[noun]     1.  reference to when a product is judged by a variety of outside, surrounding influences instead of the product itself.  Derived from the Dave Matthews Band; common but not exclusive to the arts and entertainment community.

Possible carrier monkeys of the Syndrome.

The DMB Syndrome is a term I came up with years ago when trying to describe why I didn’t really care for Dave Matthews.  I can remember years ago when I first heard his “Live from Luther College” album w/ Tim Reynolds.  I was blown away by it.  Amazing, amazing sounds with deeply textured guitar work that was beautifully performed.  Why hadn’t I cared about him before then?  Why have I not listened to him since then?  Where the hell is Luther College?  And then it dawned on me:  It was his fans.  It was guys like the ones pictured above telling me how great his music was.  It was that guy who only played “Satellite” whenever he picked up an acoustic guitar.  I play guitar – two things I’ve never learned or will ever learn to play:  1. Any Dave Matthews song & 2. Stairway to Heaven. Everytime I hear any of those songs being played with the utmost crapulence I want to pull a John Belushi a la Animal House and smash the guitar against the wall.  Then politely hand it back.  The music may be brilliant but the fans drive me away from appreciating it.

However this isn’t about DMB.  Its about the Syndrome.

Right now I think a more recent example of the Syndrome would be John Mayer.  Here it exists not because of the fans but the man himself.  I believe John Mayer to be a very talented singer, writer, and musician.  Honestly.  The man can shred on guitar and in my humble opinion he is a fantastic and vastly underrated lyricist.  If he didn’t look like he was trying to eat the microphone while going into seizure-face his voice might also be taken more seriously.  And yet…he can’t seem to get out of his own way.   His ways of douchery have been well documented within the tabloids which doesn’t mean much except that their reports are often backed up by his various tweets, myspace blogs and stand up routine.  Yes, his stand up routine.  He recently admitted to making out with Perez Hilton during such a stand up routine.  Here was part of his reasoning:

“He has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will f’ck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson.”

Its shenanigans like this that take away from an audience’s ability to take his him seriously.  It hard to get into the music and respect it if you are thinking, “meh, this is the guy that is dating jessica simpson, or jennifer aniston or making out with perez hilton” or whomever.  The thing is I like the guy.  He seems to be a decent, intelligent man and like I’ve already said, genuinely talented.  He just leaves little to the imagination when he works the tabloid circuit like he tends to do.  Maybe this stems from frustration that it feels like a guilty pleasure to enjoy his music when that shouldn’t be the case.  But it is.

Did I say he leaves little to the imagination? Please give the suit back to Borat

However this isn’t about John Mayer.  Its about the Syndrome.

Let’s go outside of the world of music:  Crocs.  I’ve heard a few people rave about them.  Might be comfortable, I mean they apparently massage your feet while you walk.  Who wouldn’t want that?  Slightly goofy design.  However, why is it that everytime I see people wearing them it makes me never, ever want to purchase them?  Until I become a fat chef who rides a moped, I’ll pass.  At least in public.

Finally, I must admit that at times I too have been a carrier monkey spreading this Syndrome.  There have been plenty of situations where my fanaticism for a particular product has had the opposite intended effect.  To name a few:  P90X (anyone else think that Tony IS Michael Scott? Think about it), Jon Brion, Midori Sushi, all Apple products, LOST (at least the first three seasons).  At times, instead of bringing people in to enjoy my preciouses, I drove them further from experiencing them because of my fervor.  I couldn’t help it.

But this isn’t about me.  It’s about the Syndrome.

Saucy J here,

It is refreshing tales like this that give me hope in a sad world. Everyday people try (ie the president, my parents, friends) and it seems the only people that succeed are all of the baffoons on youtube and the bigger idiots that  imitate them that bring a certain brighter spirit to my day. I look forward daily to seeing the knew semi-mentally handicapped prepubescent turd and soon to be severely physically handicapped kids find new and interesting ways to kill themselves on youtube. The ones that actually bother me are the ones that don’t even record it or tape it for our pleasure. I mean how selfish. What else am I supposed to be doing during a productive day at work?

These kinds of behaviors remind me of a few instances in my own life that I should have been recording at a young age. Unfortunately, they didn’t have camera’s coming out of peoples asses yet so we could only take pleasure in our death defiance among friends. Specifically my friends and I used to soak tennis balls in hairspray and light those bad boys and send’em flying down the street. I can’t say this was a good idea or a bad one, I can say that I wasn’t stupid enough to use gasoline from a lawn mower. I mean in this day of alternative energy don’t you think he could have used anything else? Maybe something a little less explosive. I know, next time stick a wad of C4 in the front side of your pants and see what happens. My uneducated guess would be something bad. Just a guess though. When I have kids I want to skip the adolescence and move straight in to pre-hair in funny places aged kids so that I can forego hitting the download button on the world wide inter web and have a front row seat to the insanity. Freaking kids better not yell at me to spray them with the hose though. I’m not lifting a finger. You got yourself in that ridiculous predicament now get yourself out or ask a friend to do it.

The final disturbing topic that has to be discussed are these little turkey’s mom. What in the world? Maybe if you started paying attention to what they are doing before they light themselves on fire than maybe you wouldn’t have to blame it on poor youtube. All day long those poor people at youtube get yelled at for promoting the greatest collection of awesomeness the world has ever seen.

My biggest question is: Are we broadcasting this in to space? If so, no wonder those ET’s or UFO driving beings or water fearing green creatures from space are coming to kill us all and steal all of our resources or turn us into batteries.

Advice: People, Watch your kids or pay someone to do so and please teach them about the different kinds of flammable objects. I just saw The Hurt Locker and learned that the army needs more explosive experts. Maybe your crazy bastard kid has a future after all.

Kids, Keep up the videos. Those things don’t make themselves.

Is it just me, or does the new “Shake Weight” look like a new amazing invention to subliminally work on a person’s ability to effectively pleasure a male?

I apologize for any sort of crudeness… but how could the makers of this product really take this seriously?  I would love to have been on the set for the making of this “training video”  My mind is going absolutely crazy with the endless possibilities for sexual humor.  The Shake Weight makes it so hard not to make fun of it.  My brain is throbbing in anticipation of more bad sexual puns and I’m laughing so hard I feel a stroke coming on.

You know, maybe it really does work.  Maybe a woman’s arm fat will magically disappear in a few weeks with just six minutes a day.  But is it worth looking like you’re… well looking like this?

I also want to work the term ejaculate into this post.  So there.

Yes, Smatter… is 13 years old.  PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO.

Here’s the article: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/05/teen-decomposes/

If this is true- shouldn’t it be on the cover of several magazines, newspapers and websites?  The leading story of news stations throughout???  I don’t get it.  Isn’t this a huge environmental achievement?  And all of this comes not from an MIT professor but from a kid doing a project for his school’s science fair.

Daniel Burd: yes. I'm into crystals.

Here’s Brian Regan’s take on his time in school and the project HE did for the science fair.  Beyond the Tim Burton inspired set, strong 80′s fashion and Brian’s business mullet is some comedy gold.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Got a Feeling”

Actual Black Eyed Peas: served fresh with some boom boom pow

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night

A feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night

A feeling (woohoo!) that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night

A feeling (woohoo!) that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night

Tonight’s the night night, Let’s live it up
I got my money, Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa, Let’s get get OFF

I know that we’ll have a ball, If we get down
And go out , And just loose it all
I feel stressed out , I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out and loosing all control

Fill up my cup, Mozoltov
Look at her dancing, Just take it off
Let’s paint the town, We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof, And then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, Let’s do it, Let’s do it, Let’s do it
And do it and do it and live it up
And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it
Let’s do it, Let’s do it, Let’s do it

Cause I gotta feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

Tonight’s the night, Let’s live it up
I got my money , Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it , Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa , Let’s get get OFF

Fill up my cup (Drink) , Mozoltov (La’ Chaim)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it), Just take it off

Let’s paint the town, We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof, and then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, Let’s do it, Let’s do it, Let’s do it
And do it and do it and live it up, Let’s live it up

Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock

Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top

Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don’t stop

Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday
Friday, Saturday
Saturday to Sunday

Get get get get get with us
You know what we say
Party every day
Pa pa pa Party every day

And I’m feelin
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

]]> http://smatterofopinion.wordpress.com/2009/07/28/1-song-in-america-july-28th-2009/feed/ 2 Josephus actual black eyed peas http://smatterofopinion.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/222/ http://smatterofopinion.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/222/#comments Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:12:50 +0000 Jandy http://smatterofopinion.wordpress.com/?p=222 ]]>

Amazing movies are not created. They are meticulously born from a single person that takes on the roles of director, producer, writer and actor. This multi-layered individual has to have a less than proficient grasp of human emotion/acting in general . There has to be loose ends, major plot points that are never revisited, a creepy kid, over used San Francisco establishing shots, beautiful rose pedaled sex scenes, semi-decent green screens, a football and all the while exploring the explosive topics of drugs, adultery, cancer, best friends and betrayal. If you have not yet seen the 6 million dollar, 2003 movie “The Room” by writer/director/actor/producer Tommy Wiseau then please keep reading.

It has been called “the worst movie ever made” and “the Citizen Kane of bad movies” HOWEVER, I have never been more entertained by anything in any medium as much as I was by “The Room.” It can be described as a love triangle drama (i guess) but it has taken on a life of its own and is now reaching Rocky Horror Picture Show status around the world, with Midnight showings and fans dressing up like their favorite characters. My friend owns a copy that we watched in his living room. The first viewing was amazing, I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. But, the real treat came this last Saturday when my friends and I went to see the midnight showing of “The Room” at a theater here in Chicago called The Music Box.  You have to find a showing near you. you have to! The best part about this film is that it’s interactive. Certain moments in the film dictate certain actions for you the viewer. There is everything from yelling “Hi Denny/Bye Denny” as this character comes and goes to throwing plastic spoons at the screen to tossing a football in the audience . This only scratches the surface, there are some hilarious rules. I don’t want to spoil too much of the film but if  you want to read a viewer’s guide to watching “The Room”, follow this link

There is nothing more I can say. please enjoy some of my favorite clips from the “THE ROOM”

UPDATE: Alec Baldwin likes The Room

Don’t go anywhere! You’re in the right place! You want to write something, a short story, a song, a simple blog post, an essay, a novel!? But you’ve got writer’s block, or you just don’t feel like it. I’ve been there buddy; let me help you, let me be the wind beneath your wings. Did my reference bring about images of the Bette Midler song? Did you know that she didn’t even write that song, that song wasn’t even written for her originally, but she gets all the credit? Life’s just not fair sometimes right? Well you know what Bette Midler’s got? She’s got moxie (and so do you) and that’ll get you a long way. So first things first, I’ve gotta tell you, the best way to get inspired to write is through shear will-power, you need to sit down and just start hacking away, stream of consciousness if you have to, and often times what you write in those feverish sessions won’t be an outline or a treatment for a future piece, it will be the piece itself! But you want something more, you don’t just want to get something on paper, you want to write something great. The bad news is it takes time; the good news is it takes experience and you’ve got that. You may have heard the advice “write what you know,” but I’m telling you to take it a step further, you don’t just have experience, but you have passion, everybody’s passionate about something and writing with passion is what will make your words powerful. Don’t rely on wine, or marijuana, or stimulants for inspiration. Those things aren’t necessarily bad in and of themselves, but F. Scott Fitzgerald is remembered as saying that if he hadn’t been drinking so much while he wrote later in his career, what he wrote would have been a lot better. You don’t need a substance to get out what’s in your head. You need a comfortable chair, no distractions and will power. So close your browser, stop reading this blog, open your word-processor and start typing!

Dear Mr. Updike: I'm sorry I mistook you for a different author post mortem.

After a hard day’s work, my idea of time is based on what is playing on the radio during the drive home.  At work I deal with meetings, schedules, conferences calls, and all sorts of calendar related minutia to the point that once I’m outside the confines of my vocation I subconsciously block the idea of time altogether.  This is likely the reason that I’m late to everything on the weekends.  That combined with pure laziness and  a complete disregard for other people’s time.  Back to the drive home:  On a good day I’ll be out in time to catch the last segment of the Petros & Money Sports Talk Show .  After decent day I’ll catch most of whomever Terri Gross is interviewing on Fresh Air.  Long days may provide an opportunity to catch Garrison Keillor’s Writer’s Almanac which assures me 5 good minutes of knowledge read by a voice that is on the Mt. Rushmore of vocal cords.  On Saturday mornings I’ll sometimes listen in to Mr Keillor on his famous show de Americana – A Prairie Home Companion.  It was through this medium on that particular Saturday morning that Updike found a way into my consciousness.

When I tuned in Keillor had stopped the the show to pause and pay tribute.  His voice is a constant gift of soothing texture nearly tactile in function, beckoning listeners to slow down…take pause… and yes, to listen.  He announced the Updike had passed away days before and read an excerpt from an essay, Churchgoing, from Updike’s Pigeon Feathers & Other Stories (1962).  I’ve included the words but I strongly suggest listening to Updike’s wisdom read aloud by Grandpa Garrison:

“Taken purely as a human recreation, what could be more delightful, more unexpected than to enter a venerable and lavishly scaled building kept warm and clean for use one or two hours a week and to sit and stand in unison and sing and recite creeds and petitions that are like paths worn smooth in the raw terrain of our hearts? To listen, or not listen, as a poorly paid but resplendently robed man strives to console us with scraps of ancient epistles and halting accounts, hopelessly compromised by words, of those intimations of divine joy that are like pain in that, their instant gone, the mind cannot remember or believe them; to witness the windows donated by departed patrons and the altar flowers arranged by withdrawn hands and the whole considered spectacle lustrous beneath its patina of inheritance; to pay, for all this, no more than we are moved to give—surely in all democracy there is nothing like it.”

The Little Brown Church in Studio City, CA

What fascinates me is Updike’s ability paint such a rich, intimate picture of church attendance while taking a completely secular view.  I was struck at how little I have thought of churchgoing in this light.  Not just the beauty that exists between you and God but humanity and God.  Your community and God.  People coming together in a sacred place to focus in on one common goal of worship in a building dedicated for such a thing.  I’ve attended church for much of my life and I can’t say that I’ve entered in with this mindset too often if at all.  I think its something that lacks in the 21st century Christian church.  Being aware of this side of sacredness.

One could criticize that is unrealistic utopian view of worship – be it in a church, temple, or mosque – that it doesn’t exist in real life but I don’t think that’s the point.  This is a simple reflection of what it can be.